Ward's Laws #1771

I have a trio of computer mice that have non-functional optical drives.  I put them on eBay but they aren't selling.  Maybe I shouldn't have listed them as "three blind mice."

Ward's Laws #1768

I never give bank employees my passwords.  They don't call them tellers for nothing.

Ward's Laws #1767

What purpose did the bolts in Frankenstein's monster's neck have?  Did the good doctor run out of stitches?

Ward's Laws #1765

I just bought the 6 Million Dollar man on eBay. I picked him up for $22.50. Heck, I've paid more for an old laptop. I just hope my PC games will play on his outdated OS.

Ward's Laws #1762

Why do I like orange cheddar better than white?  Probably the same reason I like round pizza better than square.

Ward's Laws #1761

Do Major League Baseball uniforms only come with one pants length?  I feel bad for the guys with short legs.

Ward's Laws #1758

I don't like cartoons nowadays.  They are so disturbing.  One kid has a football shaped head while another has a square one.  And don't get me started on Uncle Grandpa.  Sounds like a hillbilly who went to too many family reunions without a date.

Ward's Laws #1757

Did you realize Easter basket grass looks nothing like real grass?  I have insulation in my attic that looks more like grass then what you put your eggs into.

Ward's Laws #1755

Never substitute real peeps for the marshmallow kind.  They poop all over everything in the basket and if you aren’t paying attention while reaching for a treat from the basket, they make the most horrible noise when you bite into them.

Ward's Laws #1753

Is Google Glass the monocles of the future?  

Ward's Laws #1750

My family has entrusted me with bringing the buns for Easter.  I don't think they really understand their mistake...

Ward's Laws #1748

I know why we call games like monopoly board games, because at some point we get bored and start cheating.  Never make me the banker. Lol.

Ward's Laws #1747

When are mathletics going to be part of the Olympics?  These athletes always get the short end of the stick...

Ward's Laws #1745

Taxidermy freaks me out. You killed something, and now you want to keep it.  Who are you, Buffalo Bill?  Keeping little animal skin suits around your home. If a mortician kept the human pelts draped over Styrofoam, we lock the psychopath away for life, but if it's an animal's skin, we call the guy a sportsman.

Ward's Laws #1743

I don't care who let it out, but I do wonder who put the cat in the bag?  And why?

Ward's Laws #1742

I don't understand why only the Jedi get to have light sabers.  I'd want one.  Just think of all you could do with it.  Opening mail, carving a turkey, and finally settling who gets the remote comes to mind almost immediately.

Ward's Laws #1740

I think the triple-decker bus was a great idea until that power line incident.

Ward's Laws #1738

Did you ever notice that Chicken potpie has nothing to do with a pot?

Ward's Laws #1735

At work we have fire drills, severe weather drills, and even intruder drills.  But if I mention having a Zombie apocalypse drill, I get that "how long until you retire" look.

Ward's Laws #1734

We have some new kids at my school.  They're the Cullens.  They have weird hair and eyes and are really pale.  Maybe I can get them summer jobs lifeguarding at the local pool.

Ward's Laws #1731

If you think of a maternity ward as a showroom for new cars, what's a retirement home look like?