Ward's Laws #1647

 I want to be a grocery store bagger for my next job.  That way I can see and record the secret bad eating habits of my friends and neighbors.  Do you know how much sodium in in that?

Ward's Laws #1645

Never buy an old Victorian house if it comes with an old rocking horse in the attic.  You know a few months in and that sucker's going to start rocking by itself.

Ward's Laws #1642

I actually heard a guy telling his friend how he spent all this time and effort making virtual money on his video game. Seriously?  I'll bet mom and dad would love that effort put into something real so he can leave their basement and grow up like a real boy.

Ward's Laws #1641

A werewolf bit my brother and I had to take him to the pound. Every time I took him for a walk he'd roll in something nasty. The real problem was trying to apply Frontline between his shoulders every month. He always got kinda bity.

Jinkies!!!

Jinkies!!!  All three of my zombie books are on the iTunes charts today!  Parasite is #105, Symbiote is #124 and Creator is #121...

http://www.bookchart.info/publisher/12986/Doug-Ward#.UuWjf3n0Ay7

Ward's Laws #1639

I think the new motto for the Post Office should be, "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.  But, if you have snow in front of your mailbox, forget it!"

Ward's Laws #1638

If you cross lord of the rings and Photoshop do you get Frodoshop?

Ward's Laws #1635

If Dracula can't walk in the sunlight, what about those distant stars?  Thousands of suns are out each night.

Ward's Laws #1634

If you gave Frankenstein's monster a necktie, he'd be the best-dressed man in the village.  Ok, I'll admit that it's filled with guys wearing lederhosen, but hey, where'd he get the business suit anyway?

Ward's Laws #1631

Bob Ross painted a dog in only one of his paintings.  He stopped after that one because what the dog did on his happy little trees was totally wrong.

Ward's Laws #1630

When zombies attack, why does everyone board up the windows so willy-nilly?  I'd go for the neat, symmetrical approach.  Nothing like a tidy hidey-hole!

Ward's Laws #1628

When zombies attack, why does everyone board up the windows so willy-nilly?  I'd go for the neat, symmetrical approach.  Nothing like a tidy hidey-hole!

Ward's Laws #1626

I understand wearing camouflage while in the woods.  Trying to be nearly invisible while stalking ones prey is a good idea.  I just get nervous when people wear camo in public.  What are they hunting there?  People?

Ward's Laws #1623

Last summer I planted a Giant Sequoia sapling in my yard.  I think of it as a practical joke on the owner of my house about 300 years from now.  Can you imagine the bill from the tree trimmer?  LOL

Ward's Laws #1622

I like to buy college textbooks, highlight random crap in them, then sell them back.  You might be thinking that's terrible.  The next student to buy them will be all messed up, but I like to think of it as survival of the fittest!

Ward's Laws #1620

Whatever happened to real shutters?  Sure, I see fake, vinyl ones all over the place, but wouldn't it be handy to be able to safely cover your windows in mere minutes during the next zombie apocalypse?

Ward's Laws #1618

My boss banned me from wearing Google Glass during staff meetings.  She got tired of my glazed-over look as I played Candy Crush during her long-winded... I mean, informative speeches.

Ward's Laws #1615

I'm writing a spin-off to the Da Vinci Code.  It's about these mysterious symbolic images hidden in Bob Ross paintings.  Peapod the Pocket Squirrel plays the detective who...

Ward's Laws #1611

Would the people who worked to crack the Wind Talkers codes be called Wind Breakers?  Cause I'd be good at that...  I can break wind with the best of them.

Ward's Laws #1607

I got fired from my job at the zoo.  I knew I shouldn't suggest litter training the lions.

Ward's Laws #1605

When we used to play Monopoly at home, the game would get so violent my mom would institute deregulation just to get us to settle down.

Ward's Laws #1603

 I recently trademarked the name Spacely Sprockets, so in 48 more years I'll be able to cash in.  Cogswell Cogs is next on my list.   Bwahahaha

Creator is Everywhere!!!

That's it everybody.  I believe Creator; The True Story of the Zombie Apocalypse is everywhere.  Barnes& Noble, iTunes, Amazon...  Go check it out!!!

Ward's Laws #605

Ward's Laws #437

Ward's Laws #1545

Ward's Laws #1601

I had regression therapy done through hypnosis.  While sitting in the waiting room I was really excited when I met 3 Thomas Jeffersons, 5 Marylin Monroes, and a Cleopatra.  Turns out, in my past life I was Jeffrey Dahmer.  Talk about leaving a bad taste in your mouth...

Ward's Laws #1601

I had regression therapy done through hypnosis.  While sitting in the waiting room I was really excited when I met 3 Thomas Jeffersons, 5 Marylin Monroes, and a Cleopatra.  Turns out, in my past life I was Jeffrey Dahmer.  Talk about leaving a bad taste in your mouth...

Ward's Laws #1599

I received a sales brochure from Viking cruises to European destinations. I was disappointed that the cruises weren't with real Vikings and there wasn't a "rape and pillage" package...
Contributed by Ned Jenkins

Ward's Laws #1597

How is it that the roads are covered with snow and ice, but the mall parking lot is clear and dry?

Ward's Laws 1595

If ghosts can float through solid walls, why do they always make the sounds when they walk?

Ward's Laws #1594

Silly Giants...  They don't even know how to make bread.  Grinding bones...